Dallas: "Love Is For Pussies."

Categories: Film and TV

Hail to the king, baby.
So much has happened since we last enjoyed the company the devious denizens of Southfork: Obama was re-elected, Stan "The Man" Musial passed away at 92, and the Texans suffered another ignominious early ouster from the NFL playoffs.

In short, not a lot of surprises.

But that's sure to change with the return of Dallas, right? What schemes do Ewing family nemesis Cliff Barnes and daughter Rebecca (formerly Sutter) have up their sleeves? Can Christopher and Elena make it work? Will Bobby be able to thwart J.R. and J.R. Jr. from taking over Ewing Energies? Will Sue Ellen be able to run on the slogan "Honesty for a Change" and keep a straight face?

Patrick Duffy and Linda Gray introduced the episode, acknowledging Larry Hagman's passing. As potentially crippling as losing J.R. will be, I admit I'm curious to see how they'll write him out. Here are the odds as I see them:

Gunshot: 3:1
Plane Crash: 5:1
Explosion: 8:1
Stampede (cattle): 12:1
Stampede (wlldebeest) 20:1
Smothered in oil (a la Quantum of Solace): 25:1

Sue Ellen (Gray) starts off with a press conference. She's 12 percent up in the polls for the governor's race. Meanwhile John Ross (Josh Henderson) randomly nails a girl having her bachelorette party. Aha, but it's no coincidence she's the daughter of the guy with the truck fleet John Ross needs, and he threatens to go public with his little girl's indiscretions if Daddy doesn't play ball. That was cold blooded.

Gratuitous Ricky Rudd cameo as Christopher (Jesse Metcalf) demonstrates his methane-powered stock car, which he wants Rudd to drive. I'm sure NASCAR will have no problem with this new, untested technology. Elena (Jordana Brewster) seems more enamored with his race suit. I'd say, 'get a room,' but Southfork has a thousand of them.

Going down?
J.R. (Hagman) reminds John Ross that Christopher is trying to get the mayor to convert the city's vehicle fleet to methane and to concentrate on that instead of "personal issues." The cousins butt heads over the latter's attempted buying of Cardwell's(?) fleet, while Christopher goes to meet Lawyer Lou (Glenn Morshower) and the real Rebecca Sutter, who's more than happy to testify to get Christopher his annulment, but she wants assurances he won't go after Tommy. Yeah, that won't be a problem. Curiously, John Ross also has an investigator scoping out the quote-unquote real Rebecca.

Ann (Brenda Strong) is picking out art for Bobby's new office and is surprised by Harris (MItch Pileggi), who has an offer: return the tape he made for Sue Ellen and he'll reveal the whereabouts of their long-lost daughter. I forgot how everybody in these shows has a long daughter. Hell, if I came of age in the '70s ... no, I don't want to think about it. Anyway, Ann has an emotional moment in the car to the strains of some terrible chick song. I guess it's a good thing we don't all have these external life soundtracks. Mine would probably play this 24-7:

Because they have such a Strong Marriage, Ann confesses to Bobby that Harris has tracked down her daughter Emma, who was stolen over 20 years ago. Now that I think about it, wouldn't this have already come up? This is Bobby Fucking Ewing, he can't help but be supportive. It probably doesn't hurt that "Emma" looks like she's been raised by people as rich as they are. Anyway, Ann wastes most of the episode fretting before agreeing, with Sue Ellen's blessing, though not Bobby's ("You don't negotiate with a terrorist!"). I'm just happy she made it through a whole hour without pulling a gun on someone.

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