What Your Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Says About You
This weekend Arnold Schwarzenegger returns in earnest to the big screen with The Last Stand, co-starring Johnny Knoxville and Forest Whitaker. His roles in The Expendables 2 was a part of an ensemble. This is his first movie back as a true leading man.
Arnold fans will be happy to know that new Conan and Terminator flicks are also in development. This September, Arnold and Sylvester Stallone team up for The Tomb, about prison.
(cue sexy saxophone)
Did I mention that Arnold is now 65 years old? And that I refer to him on a first name basis now?
And this week the man even did a Reddit AMA, and he was funny as hell.
Q: In your films are all the "Ayyaagh's" in the script or do you improvise them?
A: All improvised. Every single one.
For some reason I have deemed myself the resident Arnold scholar here at Art Attack, a title that I do not take lightly. With the release of The Last Stand, and his recent autobiography, Arnold is back in the limelight, and unfettered by wives or being the governor of one of the biggest states in the union.
In honor of his new movie, let's look back at his filmography. Everyone has their favorite Arnold flick, but what does your favorite Arnie offering say about you as a person?
You are my father, and when I was little, you would watch this movie every now and then and it gave it me a warped and skewed view of what I should look like as a grown man. Thanks.
OK, that scene when the alligator is attacking Arnold and Vanessa Williams and Arnold shoots him and he says "You're luggage" is pretty rad. Carry on.
Jingle All the Way
You don't exist.
You write a lot of fan fiction. A lot.
Batman & Robin
You have a severe pun fetish and need help. That and you LOOOOOOOVE anything Joel Schumacher touches, and you have no aversion to latex nipples.
Your favorite band is Odd Future, you have a prominent neck tattoo of a slice of pizza, and you make way more money than any of your friends, and somehow have a 401K.
Last Action Hero
You are me, and just last month you actually bought Last Action Hero toys on eBay with actual money you earned as an adult. The heartwarming tale of Danny Madigan finding a father figure in the hard-bitten Jack Slater gets me every time, and I listen to AC/DC's "Big Gun" to cheer myself up on bad days.
Once again, you are me, and this movie didn't leave your DVD player for months when you finally found a copy of it. But seriously, if this is your favorite movie, can we go out drinking one night and just try to get into bar fights
You appreciate the finer things in life, like Bill Paxton with a disgusting moustache, Tom Arnold as a credible actor, Jamie Lee Curtis stripteases, and terrorists being fired into helicopters on missiles. You're fired.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Everything you own has "something" on it. Simpsons toothbrush, Scarface bed sheets, Star Wars toaster, and you will be buried in a Kiss coffin, which you bought using your Star Trek credit card. Go fuck yourself.
Conan the Barbarian
We all know what your favorite weekend at the Renaissance Festival is, and hundreds of people have taken Facebook pictures with you. Your tanning bed bills are through the roof, and I wish I had your swords.
How did they get the rights to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" for a shootout in a gravel pit? Don't the artists have to approve the scene their music gets used for? Also, this could prove that Keith and Mick are cooler than we imagine. Anyway if you like Raw Deal, you probably grew up without cable and watched this movie once a month on Channel 39 on Saturday afternoons.
You are Jesse Ventura.
The Running Man
You are an industrial DJ with a rat tail.
The only reason you even like this movie is because of the alien chick with the three tits, and even then you have only seen that part of the film on YouTube.
Hercules in New York
You died in 1972.
The Last Stand
You are on a promotional street team of some sort.