Red Alert: Why Elf On A Shelf Is Freaking Creepy And Un-American

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No-elf.gif
"Elf on the Shelf - Not A Fan"
A few of my child-rearing friends on Facebook are currently doing the Elf On A Shelf thing with their kids this holiday season. You may have heard of this newfound Christmas tradition, where families "adopt" these elves into their homes for them to commit loveable acts of mischief around the household.

My aunt has been doing the EOAS thing for one of my young cousins. He sat me down last Christmas Eve and told me about the elf that has been wreaking havoc in his home. He seemed genuinely concerned and was asking for advice in combating the creature on his own terms.

Some parents are using the fun-loving elves with dead-eyed smiles as scare tactics, with kids frightened of this tiny guy -- some families have two elves -- spying on them for Santa Claus during the holiday season, possibly to the detriment of his Christmas morning haul.

"You better wash your hands after supper, I'm watching you. All of you."

It's bad enough that Mr. Claus sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake, and even somehow knows if you've been bad or good. But now he has help. Held hostage by cloth.

What kind of 1984-style world are we fashioning for our children? When an elf will watch your every move like an overseer and then report back to the big man for later punishment or penalty?

Is EOAS a tool to get our children ready for a coming Communist America?

"Shape up or there are consequences, like not receiving material items for your later amusement."

Being a well-behaved child -- male or otherwise -- should be its own reward. Because after all it's the man upstairs you should be worried about pleasing so you don't go to hell, not some commie punk with pointy ears and smile that could burn a Bible.

He's even wearing red, like a good faithful comrade! More like Ivan or Vladimir on a shelf, am I right?

And now a quick word from Goldline....

With today's economic uncertainty, adding gold to your portfolio has become a recognized diversification strategy, serving as a potential hedge against inflation and a declining dollar.

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27 comments
MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Article's fun an all but the comments...what the who/where/when/why?

crantina
crantina

@Run_Ginger_Run me neither. Instead i am the fabby auntie. who is creeped out by this elf and scary clowns.

katydidknot
katydidknot

My kids are only under surveillance by the best. Glenn Beck's "Obama in Peepee" keeps watch over their every act.

Oddly enough, we have the Goldline commercial breaks at our house now, too...

Catherine McQueen
Catherine McQueen

I'm so glad my parents didn't have this nightmare-inducing, evil creature. *shiver*

Heather Atherton
Heather Atherton

They are creepy. They are also easily avoidable. I guess I just never got around to lying to my daughter about the fat man in the red suit.

Christina Uticone
Christina Uticone

@Courtney I wish. You should read STFU, Parents Blog. I think you'd get a lot out of it. And telling people what they get to have an opinion on and what they don't isn't an opinion, Courtney. Sorry.

bheerssen
bheerssen

Also, to the editors: why are you letting this person shill for goldline?

bheerssen
bheerssen

Is this satire? If so, it's poorly written.

Assuming this isn't satire, I think it's funny that someone who claims to know where we go when we die is complaining about kids believing in fictional characters. Commie elves; gimme a fucking break.

Christina Uticone
Christina Uticone

This was so obviously tongue-in-cheek, or at least meant to be funny (though I agree with all of it, frankly--since when is Santa not enough mystical manipulation to keep kids in line?) that anyone who starts freaking out about the childless author has got to get a grip. Or just get out more.

Christina Uticone
Christina Uticone

Mary don't apologize to the sanctimommies. You're entitled to your opinion on this AS A PARENT. Their rules, not mine.

Mary Walker
Mary Walker

Sorry again y'all. When it gets shoved down my kid's throats when they are at school- I do have an opinion. And for the record, I thought the article was hysterical.

Ed Truitt
Ed Truitt

Dude, so *you* are the one Jay Lee has been posting pictures of today?

Christina Uticone
Christina Uticone

Courtney, why do you get to tell everyone what they are allowed to have an opinion on anyway? Mary can't weigh in on Christmas, non-parents can't weigh in on -- elves? Calm yourself, woman. It's a 250 word blog post.

Ed Truitt
Ed Truitt

Actually, yes I did. Thought maybe someone had 'jacked the HP blog. Or that you had gotten hold of some really bad weed.

Craig Hlavaty
Craig Hlavaty

Did no one catch the faux ad for Goldline -- a big sponsor on conservative AM radio -- at the end of this blog?

Ed Truitt
Ed Truitt

Isn't it obvious? "Craig Hlavaty" is just a pseudonym for that grand hater of all things EOTS, Nicki Britton. J'accuse!

Mary Walker
Mary Walker

Sorry if I offend anyone. As someone outside looking in- that's the way I see it. I'm sure people have several of these things lurking about their homes instead of using their money for something more productive and in line w/ the "Christmas Spirit" - like plucking a few of those cards off the wish trees in department stores and helping the less fortunate. Oh- and don't forget the Salvation Army bell ringers. Maybe someone should set an elf on one of those red buckets to glare at people as they walk by. They'd make a killing!

Christina Uticone
Christina Uticone

Serious question: Why does Craig have to be a parent (are you sure he's not?) in order to weigh in on this. After all, even those of us who aren't parents have BEEN PARENTED. It's not like we grew up in a parentless vacuum. I think Craig just got Sanctimommied.

Mary Walker
Mary Walker

Thank You. I learned about these elves when my children came home from school a few years ago and told me about the ones sitting on the shelves in their classrooms. My kids of course wanted me to go right out and buy one, but didn't get their hopes up. (I'm a non-Christian who doesn't celebrate Christmas, and my children hate me for it. When I try to tell them about the nativity and why Christians celebrate in the first place- I get eye rolls.) Anyway, Elf on the Shelf is far from being "Un-American". More like apple pie if you ask me. It's another marketing ploy for sucker consumers to run out and buy more stuff they don't need.

conebaby
conebaby topcommenter

When the Mommyjackers chime in, you know you're doing something right. Good job. EOAS is ridiculous.

austin.j.vickers
austin.j.vickers

I'll assume that your comments are satire. If not, my God...

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