Every Vampire Lord Superiority Monologue is Utter Bullshit, And I Can Prove It

Categories: Random Ephemera
Our hypothetical vampire isn't even second when it comes to killing people. Even if you exempt people like Joseph Stalin and Ghengis Khan who left bodies piled up in the millions, vampires are still lagging behind fleas. Fleas infected with the bubonic plague killed around a million people in Europe a year for a solid century, more than double our master vampire's lifetime score every two years. When it comes to killing, vampires are amateur hour.

In fact, they're amateur hour at pretty much everything. Immortality is completely wasted on every vampire you have ever read about or seen on screen. They do nothing. They kill, get rich off the loot, and then fucking loiter. Where are the great vampire scientists? The architects? The authors? Marius in the Anne Rice books is a painter, and Josh York from Fevre Dream is a scientist who develops a synthetic blood substitute. They are literally the only vampires I have ever read who bothered to spend their eternity doing anything at all to better themselves or vampire culture.

Can you imagine where we'd be right now if someone like Tesla could have been immortal? I'll tell you where, in TARDISes picking up hot alien chicks on the way to the velociraptor races. Meanwhile, all vampires seem to be able to manage is an iPhone app that kills Tina Majorino.

I got into this argument with the host of True Blood in Dallas after I said that not only did vampires fritter away eternity, but that they are always completely dependent on humanity for culture. Even their own. Especially their own. The host brought up a pair of vampire dancers who appear in a Sookie Stackhouse short story as evidence that vampires do in fact create art. While I admitted that dancing was indeed an art, they were still dancing to human music. Even their one act of creation was built on the backs of human work.

Vampires feed off human creativity and achievement in a way that honestly makes killing us seem like the lesser crime. It takes a pretty impressive as well as hypocritical set of testes to call the species that built your house, developed your clothes, invented your appliances, and discovered the electricity that they run on cattle.

That word shows up a lot in Fevre Dream, and I've heard it elsewhere. Humans are livestock to vampires just as cows are livestock to humans. In the monologue in Fevre Dream the antagonist, Damon Julian, compares human Abner Marsh to the roast chicken he is eating at dinner.

What nobody ever brings up at this point is that except for an almost statistically insignificant portion of the population human beings aren't waxing poetically on the beauty of the livestock and/or fucking them!

This is the final argument. In 90 percent of all vampire literature the actual seduction of humans is not only necessary for sucking their blood, but for the procreation of vampires period. When humans want to have a baby they don't need to go orally pleasure a farm animal then turn it into a human in some sort of cuddle session. We just insert human Tab A into Human Slot B and nine months babytime is all the time.

Even in Fevre Dream, where vampires are born, not turned, they go on and on and on about how beautiful humans inflame the bloodthirst while fat, ugly humans don't give them fangrections. So what I get from all this rhetoric is that all vampires are creepy animal humpers who also can't so much as a knit a Christmas sweater and have all the killing acumen of someone playing Hitman for the first time.

They are crap, and I implore authors and filmmakers to either stop writing that stupid monologue scene over and over again, or at least have someone pointing out that when humans catch another human fucking their food, we laugh at them and arrest them.

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I think I get your point. It's true that vampires declaring themselves superior to humans is a standard part of vampire lore. But the way I figure is that vampires have to see humans as inferior because if they saw humans as their equals, they would essentially be cannibals. This creates a moral conflict that vampires have to resolve to survive, and the easiest way to do that is to see humans as cows--"cute but tasty too." (That's a quote from Eric from DTTW.) That's what makes True Blood so awesome because it explores the heart of this moral conflict. For centuries, vampires have justified slaughtering humans for food by equating them with cattle, and now they have to treat humans as equals, drink swill passing for blood, and try to fit into human society. No wonder the vampire society split into Mainstreamers and Sanquinistas in S5. And now in S7 vampires are even more dependent on humans and have to actively develop symbiotic relationships with them instead of the parasitic ones that they've had in the past. It's very exciting. Waiting sucks.


(stupid mobile posting before I finished my thought!) vampires cannot do regular business at night. Hence Renfield and Northman's day time helpers etc. without humans they would be miserable scavengers and parasites.


Thank you! I get irritated by the superiority crap all the time. Basically every classical monster is a mutated *human* these monsters wouldn't exist without humans. And because they are doomed to avoid daylight, they cann

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