Every Vampire Lord Superiority Monologue is Utter Bullshit, And I Can Prove It

Categories: Random Ephemera

I started out this gig talking about vampires, and through careful manipulation I have ensured that my writing milestones are all centered on vampires. I review True Blood every year, I interview vampiric kind of people, make bloodsucking playlists, I've got straight vamp legitimacy, OK?

Recently, I found myself unwilling to part with an appendage in order to buy the final Game of Thrones book (Still only in hardcover), so I picked up the only other George R.R. Martin paperback at Barnes & Noble, Fevre Dream. The book follows a 19th century steamboat captain fallen on hard times who partners with a vampire to try and build the grandest boat on the river as well as bring the vampire's potion that alleviates bloodlust to his brethren in hopes of ending the predation on humans.

It's a good book. Cliché to be sure, what with all the gothic New Orleans stuff going on and a plotline that moves pretty predictably. Think of it as a mix of the brotastic portion of Interview with the Vampire and the mainstreaming dreams of the Sookie Stackhouse universe. I enjoyed it immensely, but there came a scene that is so overdone in all vampire medium that it took a whole glass of wine just to power through the damned thing. It's the moment when the vampire antagonist condescendingly tells a human why vampires are the master race and we are all just cattle to them.

Any authors out there wanting to write about vampires... please, just stop doing this scene. It is ridiculous, always has been, and I can prove it.

The big thing, of course, is that vampires eat us and we don't eat them. We are their food, and as we all know being higher on the food chain means that you are more evolved. Of course, anyone that has read the Wiki entries on saltwater crocodiles, komodo dragons, or bull sharks knows that the whole food chain thing gets really subjective when someone wanders into the wrong neighborhood. Shark on the beach ain't much of an apex predator, and neither is a man hanging out in murky shallow water.

Still, I'll allow that there is a certain master and slave relationship implied by loading the plate instead of being on it. On the other hand, mosquitoes feed on us as well. So do tapeworms. And athlete's foot. Just because something eats a human doesn't really make it better or more intelligent than humanity.

Those examples don't really kill us, though, and that's another talking point in the vampire superiority complex speech. "I am superfast/strong/smell good and I can end your life in seconds!" Yes a vampire can kill a man with just the equipment that he was born with. Then again, so can a member of the Gracie family or just a really fat guy if he falls on me the right way. Barring that, any meth head with a broken bottle can end my existence. Hell, I can do it myself.

Besides that, the one thing vampires, even the ones who are protagonists, claim to be best at they are not even close to beating humans in. Let's say you have a 5,000-year-old vampire, and let's say he kills one person a night, every night, and drinks his or her blood. Over the course of his life he's brought an end to roughly 1.8 million people. That's a lot of death, but Hitler managed to best it by 600 percent in less than a decade. If you count the direct deaths from battles in World War II that you can pretty much lay right at Adolf's door then the number is even more one-sided.

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I think I get your point. It's true that vampires declaring themselves superior to humans is a standard part of vampire lore. But the way I figure is that vampires have to see humans as inferior because if they saw humans as their equals, they would essentially be cannibals. This creates a moral conflict that vampires have to resolve to survive, and the easiest way to do that is to see humans as cows--"cute but tasty too." (That's a quote from Eric from DTTW.) That's what makes True Blood so awesome because it explores the heart of this moral conflict. For centuries, vampires have justified slaughtering humans for food by equating them with cattle, and now they have to treat humans as equals, drink swill passing for blood, and try to fit into human society. No wonder the vampire society split into Mainstreamers and Sanquinistas in S5. And now in S7 vampires are even more dependent on humans and have to actively develop symbiotic relationships with them instead of the parasitic ones that they've had in the past. It's very exciting. Waiting sucks.


(stupid mobile posting before I finished my thought!) vampires cannot do regular business at night. Hence Renfield and Northman's day time helpers etc. without humans they would be miserable scavengers and parasites.


Thank you! I get irritated by the superiority crap all the time. Basically every classical monster is a mutated *human* these monsters wouldn't exist without humans. And because they are doomed to avoid daylight, they cann

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