Twitter Tips For New Tweeter Pope Benedict XVI

This week Pope Benedict XVI and his staff of baby popes created a Twitter account for himself and Vatican officials to reach out to curious followers and the billion or so Catholics all over the world.

The pope and his posse will be known as @pontifex -- which sounds like a metal band -- and Pope Benedict XVI will sign off on all tweets coming from the account. He has about 422,000 followers as of this writing.

So far he is only following seven people. And by people I mean the seven other identical accounts that he has which will tweet in various other languages, including Arabic.

As we well know, Twitter can be a real confusing place for some (Chris Brown) and the ability for bad things to happen (Ashton Kutcher) and for personal problems to progressively get worse and worse (Courtney Love) for the whole public to see and gawk (Kim Kardashian) at.

Don't talk to porn stars and ask for retweets

It just looks tacky. Believe me, I know that Lexi Belle is a cutie, but she won't send you n00dz for your birthday, and all those blind links they post usually just go to pay-porn sites.

Don't get hacked

We don't wanna see how money you earned by selling boner pills made out of berries. And a pontiff shouldn't be telling me about the crazy video he just found on YouTube.

Ease up on the live-tweeting

We don't wanna know every single detail of every mass you officiate, or see pictures off all your meals. Save that for Instagram. What? You don't have an Instagram account yet? With all that pretty art and architecture around you at the Vatican?

Whatever you do, don't get crossways with Jenny Johnson

Just don't.

Don't retweet every single thing that those stupid OMG Facts accounts posts

Half that shit is probably false anyways. Oreos were never eaten on the Moon. Marlon Brando didn't have webbed feet and invent Mountain Dew.

Don't use Twitter like Google

There are apps out there that will tell you where the best pizza in New York City is. You don't need to ask everyone all over the world Besides, do you want three hours of foodies arguing about local cheese on your mentions feed? Nah bitch.

If a celebrity you don't know dies, Google them first

So when Bob Dylan dies, you aren't one of the millions of jackasses asking if he was one of the Beatles.

Ease up on the hashtags

You probably don't even know what they mean or even do, or the mental defectives using them. So if you see one that says #uwuzrapecuz that's not your cue to chime with a Bible verse about chastity.

Stop tweeting your damned horoscopes

I know that you are probably trying to make a point about the evils of the occult and people setting aside Christ for the whims of the flesh, but when I am awake at 4 a.m., I don't want to know about the great news you will get today from a distant companion.

None of that SMH, GNR, or IMHO jazz

Use your words, Joseph.