Pop Rocks: The Least Anticipated Movies of 2013

Categories: Pop Rocks

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A movie writer person's work is never done. Even as we put together our lists of the year's best films and prepare to congratulate ourselves on recognizing the genius of Ben Affleck, we must look forward to the coming year.

The year 2013, of course, will likely be just like any other: a handful of truly great films, a couple handfuls of absolutely terrible films and tons of otherwise forgettable crap. This is the category in which most movies find themselves, but -- as usual -- it's the [potentially] absolutely terrible stuff I'm interested in.

I could be wrong, and have been in the past (Thor was much better than I predicted, for example). And it isn't easy to condemn a movie based solely on a plot synopsis, cast listing and teaser trailers.

But I'm sure gonna try.

The Last Stand -- January 18

There was a time when I looked forward to a new Schwarzenegger movie with all the fevered glee of a child on Christmas Eve. Then I lost my virginity. As a fan and scholar of '80s action movies -- and someone who sat through The Expendables 2 -- it pains me to say that Arnold's time has gone.

Safe Haven -- February 14

Lasse Hallström directed one of my favorite movies of all time (My Life As A Dog) but is apparently now relegated to Nicholas Sparks adaptations. Why is that a bad thing? Let's take a look at a representative sample of Sparks's work:

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Yes, this is going to be much different.


The Last Exorcism Part 2 -- March 1

This is like that joke about why they keep calling it "Final" Fantasy. Only it's not a very funny joke and I'm the only one who ever makes it.


Pretty Much All the Sequels
As long as I'm here, there are a ton of sequels on the way in 2013. Certainly some of these (Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Lunesta) are actively being looked forward to by lots of people. But the rest? The Smurfs 2? Scary Movie 5? Fast and Furious 6? There's even a new "Percy Jackson" movie, which comes as quite a shock to those of us who didn't realize there was a first one.

2013 will also see new installments of The Hangover (#3) and Grown-ups (#2). The only thing less welcome the coming year could bring us is a Limp Bizkit box set. And if A Good Day To Die Hard is as annoyingly F-bomb-free as its predecessor, they might as well put Jar Jar in it.




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1 comments
MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Thanks on the tip-side PVH. A CIA analyst, (on payscale, one grade above elementary school teacher) who owns a Ducati--riiiight. Here's my take, instead of The Hobbit, (aka Horton and a Whole Lot of White People) READ anything by Jacqueline Carey. Instead of Ah-nahld, The Stale Prince, and/or never-gonna-get-an-Oscar Meyer (Host of Huh?), read anything by Jeff Somers. If it's a movie with a Stiller who isn't Jerry, skip it. Speaking of horrid remakes, pass on Tarrantulatino and Netflicks the original Django from '66. Great violence, less filling.

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