A Geek Answers Your Children's Questions About Santa Claus Part 2

Categories: Random Ephemera

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Last year I penned a very helpful guide for using geek pop culture to explain away some of the more questionable aspects of Santa's yearly visits. The sleigh uses Time Lord technology to hold all the presents, he can visit everywhere at once because it is equipped with an improbability drive, and so on and so on.

This year, I opened up the floor to friends and family to address any aspects of Santa's existence I might have left out in order to do a sequel. The things kids asked surprised me, but I'll do my best to live up to my previous quality. So here we go.

Why is Santa Claus at the Mall (And at Bass Pro Shop, Apparently)?

The Santa Claus that you see around town at various functions are rarely, but not never, the real Santa Claus. These picture opportunities are both a good source of income to fund Christmas, and a vital part of his marketing data.

Any business can submit a request for a Santa. Candidates who are hired generally imbibe polyjuice potion before each shift in order to fully embody the man himself, a supply of which is purchased from Santa Claus Inc. That is one of the reasons Santa has a beard and long hair all the time, for use as a magic ingredient.

Conversations between kids and these Santas are relayed wirelessly through the North Pole call center staffed by elves. Elves may also offer advice through headsets. Occasionally, Santa will fulfill appearances himself. The Santa in the Macy's Parade is always the real one, except for in 1968 when he was enlisted to stop an alien invasion by S.P.I.D.E.R.

How Does Santa and the Reindeer Live at the North Pole Without Freezing?

Santa doesn't have to worry about freezing (We'll get to that in a minute). Nonetheless, his various workers and livestock do, and there is the matter of raising food and other necessities in the harshest environment on the Earth. The truth is Santa doesn't live at the North Pole at all.

He lives under it.

It all began as a collaboration with president John Quincy Adams. Adams believed that the Earth was hollow, and agreed to send an explorer named John Cleves Symmes Jr. to investigate the matter and possibly open up trade negotiations with mole people. This happened to come up at a time when Santa was in negotiations with the United States to expand acceptance of Christmas in the country (Many felt the celebration was too pagan).

Intrigued by conversations with Adams on the subject, Santa offered to help fund the trip in return for the right to promote Christmas in America. Unfortunately, though Adams happily signed off on the idea much of it fell apart when he lost his bid for reelection to staunch flat Earther Andrew Jackson.

In the end, Santa decided he would use the opening to the inner Earth as a home base for his operation, a decision that has served him well as it remains a neutral political base free from war or other distractions. Also, the mole people were very helpful establishing a snug and cozy underground habitat fit for people.

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