Some Advice You'll Forget By Next Christmas

Categories: Random Ephemera

New Year's resolutions are a waste of drunken boasting. Your odds of succeeding in your goal to lose weight, stop smoking, become a cage fighter, or return the ring to the fires of Mount Doom where it was forged by Sauron himself hover right around 12 percent. That's not me being Jef "The Downer" Rouner, that's straight up science. British science at that, so you know it's the good stuff.

I was going to use the Art Attack soap box, in reality a pile of LUSH bags barely a half inch tall, to expound on how we should all resolve to not repost "facts" by quacks, misguided homilies about busting a cap in purse-snatchers, or other dribble on Facebook to the additional misinforming of us all next year, but instead I thought I'd try something a little more helpful.

Christmas just finished up, and there are a few lessons that we've all learned that I guarantee that we will forget come this time next year. For your consideration, here is a handy little guide to things that you may want to try differently in 2013. I suggest you print it out and pin it to the box with the Christmas ornaments.

Children's Presents Require a Small Toolbox Even If No Assembly is Required

Most stores sell batteries in the impulse aisle, and Walgreens and CVS even actively ask you if you need any when the holidays roll around. So you might be congratulating yourself on forethought by making sure that you've got all the necessary power supply, but let me ask you this: Do you have a small Phillips head screwdriver?

Most battery-powered kid toys now have screws instead of the latches of our youth. It makes it a lot less likely that a kid will take out the batteries and swallow them or something. All the batteries in the world won't do you any good if you can't put them in the compartment.

In addition, make sure you have some kind of pocket knife for cutting through tape and such, and preferably some kind of wire cutter or at least needle-nose pliers. Kids' toys are secured in their packages better than you have ever been strapped into any amusement park ride. Seriously, it's done by robots programmed with OCD, and you'll spend at least half an hour per doll trying to get them free.

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