11 Ways to Keep Fear of Santa Going Throughout the Year

Categories: Random Ephemera
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September

You should definitely teach your kid not be a bully during back to school time by recounting the legend of Marcie Ross. The story goes that Ross was so ignored and looked down upon by her classmates that she actually turned invisible. After that, she could be found roaming the halls of Sunnydale High School wreaking unseen revenge on the heartless snobs and elitist popular kids who made life for people like her hell. It's not an isolated incident, so be sure to be kind and courteous to others. You never know who's right behind you watching.

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Victor G. Ambrus
October

You actually don't need to lie to your kids to get them to behave or be safe on Halloween. Instead you can just tell them the awful horrifying truth. In general, every story ever told about poisoned candy or bladed apples being handed out by kind, but secretly evil strangers is complete and utter bullshit. The truth is if you go by actual case histories, if someone is going to spike your child's candy haul with rat killer, it is statistically almost certain that you will be the one to do it. Remind them of that fact. Often.


November

I put a heaping plate of homemade Thanksgiving dinner in front of my daughter this year and she reacted as if I had served her a plate of live spiders. She wanted cinnamon cereal, watermelon, an apple, please daddy anything but the meal you spent two days and way too much money preparing.

Meanwhile after time out, I calmly let her know that the ritual of eating turkey, potatoes, and bread on Thanksgiving came to us from the Native Americans, who knew that ingestion of such food stuffs in an annual harvest ritual is the only way to appease the endless hunger of the undead hunter Bay-Kok. Otherwise, he will stalk you, put you to sleep with invisible arrows, and then eat a part of your liver causing you to sicken and die.

She asked for seconds.



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1 comments
MamaJuice
MamaJuice

Take it from us TexMexcians. Tell your kids they had better behave or El Cucuy, aka the boogie man, is going to get them and there will be no Santa.  We do it year round.

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