11 Ways to Keep Fear of Santa Going Throughout the Year

Categories: Random Ephemera

Some people would want to stick with, "Be good or the Easter Bunny won't leave you candy," but Easter happens way too early in April to work for long. Nope, instead you should tell your children about Huorns. Huorns are sentient trees that look just like regular trees, but have the ability to move when you're not looking at them. They are known to take vengeance on those who despoil nature. Every Arbor Day, when the veil between the human world and the world of the Tree People is thinnest, Huorns seek out messy children who waste food, or hurt animals, or litter and spirit them away. Every tree is a predator... watching.


May is Mother's Day, and as nursing is my wife's chosen profession, International Nursing Day falling in the same month makes May a big deal in my house. Anyone who has ever taken children to the doctor for a routine vaccination knows that they can turn into whirling dervishes of snot trails and angry fists within seconds. Usually the nurses take the brunt of this because they're the ones who have to do the actual shots. During May, you might want to show your kids this clip from Silent Hill, and pass along the knowledge that all nurses have the ability to transform after dark and seek out kids who wouldn't sit still for normal treatment at the doctor's office.


In 1949 Congress officially established Flag Day as a holiday in June. Even though President Wilson had proclaimed it as such in 1916, Congress didn't get involved until technology developed that allowed them to put surveillance equipment in the balls at the top of flag posts. Though they are watching you year 'round, always watching you, June 14 is the day that the government uses Flag Day to do mass equipment maintenance without being suspected. The government sells proof of misdeeds by children drunk with freedom from the start of summer holidays to parents for a very affordable price.


Kid not feeling the appropriate rabid nationalist spirit? Show them Uncle Sam. Tell them it's a true story.


Absolutely nothing happens in August, and in Houston it's too damned hot even inside to misbehave. If your kid is still acting up then you might want to contact Satan for a paternity test because he or she might actually be a demon.

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Take it from us TexMexcians. Tell your kids they had better behave or El Cucuy, aka the boogie man, is going to get them and there will be no Santa.  We do it year round.

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