11 Ways to Keep Fear of Santa Going Throughout the Year
I am famous here at the Houston Press for writing a heart-warming guide to keeping the illusion of Santa Claus up for doubtful children using the very best in geek pop culture. People patted me on the back and told me that it was a magical essay they would save to read over and over again, and all of them assumed it was because I hold the spirit of Christmas in my shriveled, $3 Merlot-fueled soul.
Photo by Jacob Windham
The truth is that my real goal is to prolong the existence of Santa in my daughter's eyes because for an entire month I have the perfect threat to hold over her young, malleable mind. Be nice, or Santa won't bring you any presents. Quit chasing the dog or Krampus is going to gnaw your tender childflesh. Eat your dinner or your stocking isn't even going to have coal in it because, you know, OBAMA!
But once the presents are opened, she's like a prisoner who joined the Aryan Brotherhood on the inside and has been released out into free society to carry out any whim her feral brain shouts at her. Surely there must be a way to rule her through fear without all that pesky getting up early on a Sunday. Of course there is.
Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream about kids of all colors playing together. Notice that he didn't say, "playing nicely" together because he was trying to stir up support for civil rights and not comment on the ways of children. Let's pretend he did say it though, and warn our kids that throughout the month of January the ghost of Dr. King wanders America watching for kids being mean to other kids. He doesn't do anything bad to you if he sees you because he was, you know, a really good person and kids are just by nature assholes, but you can always do what I do. Remind your child that someone shot him for saying be nice to each other... then just stare at them without speaking for about a minute.
Every February in honor of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre the police are allowed to shoot anyone that they see stealing things, hurting people, or damaging property. That's my story at any rate.
St. Patrick's Day is a big deal for adults, but kids understandably don't really care much about it because they don't drink unless you are a fantastically awful parent. That doesn't mean they have to be left out of the fun though. Just tell them some quaint Irish legends. Like the Red Man, a leprechaun so amused by mortal terror that he gives people the worst dreams of their life just for shits and/or giggles.
Or the Dullahan, a black man riding a headless horse through the night stopping at the houses of people who will soon die and dousing them with buckets of blood. Then there's my favorite, the one-eyed, one-legged demon king Balor who can kill you just by staring at you. Make sure you mention that all these creatures can be summoned by waking up a hung over parent.