Reality Bites: Extreme Cougar Wives

Categories: Reality Bites

Let's move on to 76-year old Hattie, who only gets with dudes under 30 ("gets with" is the new hep slang for "pork until they have recurring Coccoon-related nightmares"). We follow her around as she buys bananas in Hell's Kitchen, hits on her pedi-cab driver, and describes how her "juices get flowing" when she meets a prospective stud. She dresses like and elderly Lady Gaga.

Hattie has a blind date with 29-year old Mikey, who says, "I just met you and I feel very comfortable with you." That's because SHE REMINDS YOU OF YOUR GRANDMA. Then again, I doubt Mikey's actual Gram Gram would cop to banging 18-year olds, like Hattie mentions over apertifs. I realize it's not technically a crime, since the guy was 18, but surely we need some sort of guidelines. Something like: if your birth predates the Truman Administration, you shouldn't be allowed to have sex with someone who doesn't remember rotary phones.

Anyway, they go on a second date. But that doesn't stop her from hitting on the exceedingly hairy 25-year old dude at her building's pool. I mean, Jesus, the guy could be related to Chewbacca. But he's not biting. Finally, someone with a sense of shame. Now if only he'd extend that reasoning to buying a set of dog clippers.

Finally, we have Stephanie (65) and Octavio (28). She met him when he was bartending some time after her first husband died while making love. From that perspective, hooking up with a younger dude makes ... sense? There's also a delightfully uncomfortable scene where three more age-appropriate women (mostly unsuccessfully) attempt to hide their discomfort with the PDAs between the two.

And it only gets better, by which I mean much, much worse. Whatever your thoughts on May-December (or February-New Year's Eve) romances, there's nothing technically or legally wrong here. However, if you were worried the network was going to approach the subject of older women dating younger men with a modicum of seriousness, well, you obviously haven't watched Honey Boo Boo yet.

Octavio takes Stephanie to the beach with his friends so they can get better acquainted, then seems perplexed when gay friend Ricky disapproves. That's because he thinks you're gay, too. And in retrospect, he might be right. Of course, for all I know every single Los Angeles guy in his 20s is strangely effete and dresses like the Vegemite sandwich guy from the "Land Down Under" video.

[I think I know why this show keeps sending me back three decades, it's because that's when all these women would have been age appropriate for their respective men.]

I liked at the end when we were asked, "Are you an extreme cougar interested in sharing your story?" It's exactly the sort of thing you'd have seen at the end of Maury or The Richard Bey Show, and proves TLC's journey to the Dark Side is complete.

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I'd think a journalist would have the integrity to admit they hadn't checked their facts, rather than just tossing further snark. But at least now I'll know whose articles to skip in the future.


"his and Jude's 'handfasting,' which is some sort of wedding ceremony usually practiced by hippies"

Handfasting is a neo-pagan wedding ceremony. But snarky attempts at humor are so much easier than fact-checking, aren't they?

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