Reality Bites: Extreme Cougar Wives

Categories: Reality Bites

Here we see rare footage of a cougar attacking a bear in the wild.
There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

"The heart wants what it wants." How many terrible acts have been justified by those six words? I don't doubt there are many cases where true love blooms only after one of both parties are inconveniently attached to someone else, but my suspicion is that the excuse is used more often to rationalize your inability to see the grass is perfectly green on your side of the fence.

There are many other platitudes about l'amour that are thrown around to make us all feel a little warmer as we hurtle through the vast, uncaring void. One I'm particularly fond of is Shakespeare's "They do not love that do not show their love," which only goes to prove the Bard never saw Extreme Cougar Wives.

I don't even remember when "cougars" became a thing. Did it start with Mary Kay LeTourneau? I'm going to assume so, as I'm too lazy/drunk/illiterate to look it up.

We start our journey with Jude and Kevin. Jude is 53, and Kevin is 21. They first hooked up at a high school dance (where she was a chaperone), and he dated Jude's daughter in junior high. Cool, we're not even five minutes into this thing and I need a fucking shower. Oh wait, I hadn't gotten to the part where they talk about the first time they had sex.

And did I mention Kevin still lives with his parents? How bad was Jude's previous marriage that this barely out of peach fuzz kid seems like a good prospect? Anyway, the parent thing will come into play later. In the meantime, Poor Kev doesn't have anyone from his family to stand up with him at his and Jude's "handfasting," which is some sort of wedding ceremony usually practiced by hippies. He breaks the news to his older brother, Scott, who abosorbs it all with solemnity and respect. Just kidding, he accuses his little bro of "not knowing what love is" and the like. If only they'd broken into that Foreigner song as Kevin stalked off in a huff,

Great story: I watched that Foreigner video three times after finding the link because that song figured prominently in one of my many failed 1980s relationships. Also because I am a tremendous sap.

Scott shows up at the ceremony (side note: Kevin is wearing Jerry Seinfeld's pirate shirt), having the good taste not to chuckle during "So mote it be." Though speaking personally, if someone had invoked "the love of the Old Ones" at a ceremony I was attending, I'd have rolled for SAN loss and gotten the hell out of there.

Of course, the biggest problem is Kevin's parents. And I confess to being a little confused, as they appear to be aware he and Jude were "together," but have an issue with the marriage. Whoops, and they thought Jude was 43, not 53, which makes her older than Kevin's actual mother. CHECK PLEASE.

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I'd think a journalist would have the integrity to admit they hadn't checked their facts, rather than just tossing further snark. But at least now I'll know whose articles to skip in the future.


"his and Jude's 'handfasting,' which is some sort of wedding ceremony usually practiced by hippies"

Handfasting is a neo-pagan wedding ceremony. But snarky attempts at humor are so much easier than fact-checking, aren't they?

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