666 Park Avenue : Oh Great, Now the Walls Are Bleeding

Categories: Film and TV

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Would I look so evil if I had hair, though?
Here's something you should know about ABC's eerie new horror/drama 666 Park Avenue -- if you ever happen to find yourself in a private conversation with the owner of the ritzy Drake building, Gavin Doran (Terry O'Quinn), do not, I repeat, do not tell him that "you would give anything if you could only have ____________ (fill in dream job/husband/newborn baby)." If you do, your life will officially turn into a hot mess and how.

This week's episode of 666 Park Avenue opened with new building manager Jane (Rachael Taylor) locked in a hidden storage room filled with creepy-looking dolls that seem to be grabbing at her. Or maybe it was that random little girl living in the storage room who was grabbing at her. Jane's beau Henry (Dave Annable) discovers her and his first question is to ask her what she's doing down there. Jane is following the ghost of a murder victim from the building's past, moron; the real question is what you are doing down there?

Jane is beginning to unravel. She will go insane soon and it will be delightful to watch no one believe a word that comes out of her crazy-ass mouth.

We find the adulterous Brian and his wife Louise in bed; recall that last week, Louise was in a lot of pain caused by an elevator attack. According to Brian, just "one good night of sleep back at the Drake" has cured her ailment. Why are we not surprised that in addition to being able to cause death, the building also acts as a super-aspirin? Louise's smoking-hot assistant, the one that Brian banged, barges in on the couple while they're in the throes of passion. She is not going away, bro. She is obviously a fallen angel come to Earth to make you miserable. You are a playwright, so you should be used to being despondent.

Jane goes off to complain about the haunted storage room to Gavin, only to find out that he and wife Olivia (Vanessa Williams) had a daughter that died ten years ago to the day. Great time to complain about talking dolls.

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Cheers to the anniversary of your daughter's suicide because your husband is the devil.
Jane and Olivia go to lunch and after only one glass of the good stuff, Olivia asks how Henry is in the sack. Very awkward. Even more awkward is when Olivia whacks out and almost drives her Porsche into a concrete slab with Jane in tow. It turns out the Dorans' daughter axed herself. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be that dad is the devil and the place the family calls home is death building, the building that eats people?

Gavin and Henry become very chummy over a game of racquetball. In his most ominous way, Gavin asks Henry what it is that he wants out of life. Don't answer him! What did I tell you?

Some other random 666 Park resident runs into Gavin in an elevator, where she downloads her dreams of moving on from her job as a lowly obituary writer to that of a real journalist. Hocus-pocus-alamagocus and she's writing made-up obits that catch the eye of some head-honcho editors. So, apparently editors read the obit section, and, furthermore, a bottom-feeding obituary writer can afford a sweet apartment on Park Avenue? I believe that less than I believe the plot of this entire show. Naturally, she dies.

For one shining moment, Clark Johnson (The Wire's Gus Haynes) makes a cameo as a disdainful politician that Henry manages to get a slick new job from. Wouldn't you know that Gavin is behind the deal, and when the two meet in private, Gavin tosses old Gus down an elevator shaft. Oh, well.

Jane refuses to give up on the idea that the building is haunted because it actually is. She keeps seeing this little girl ghost all over the place, and the next thing she knows, the walls are bleeding. Get out! Why are you still living there?

Wait; are all the hallway floors carpeted? Okay, now I understand why you want to make it work. There's nothing like a plush carpet that someone else vacuums for you.

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