666 Park Avenue: Don't Open That Suitcase!

Categories: Film and TV

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Hey little girl, why don't you just tell us what's in the suitcase rather than being all cryptic?
Don't you just hate when you tell a lie and out of nowhere that lie becomes a real person hell-bent on murdering you?

This week's 666 Park Avenue opens with obit writer/lying sack Annie tied to a chair, her face a bloody mess. The obit she fabricated about a Russian CIA agent, that one that caught the attention of the editors at the newspaper she writes for, became a reality last week. I thought he killed her, but instead he just beat her bloody and is forcing her to "name names" of who informed her of his existence. So she gives up her boss at the paper, who has done nothing but support her career. She is a terrible human being.

Speaking of terrible human beings, Jane found a creepy old suitcase in the secret basement and thought it wise to bring it into her apartment. "Don't you just love my haunted suitcase?" she asks boyfriend Henry, who acts like this is the first he's heard of the thing; the suitcase is literally lying on the floor in front of their bed. I am surprised he didn't trip over it.

Speaking of seeing things before, isn't that a bunch of stolen stuff in little-girl Nona's apartment? Not that it's surprising that she is the Drake's infamous thief, it's more surprising that she lives alone in one of the fanciest apartment buildings in New York. Doesn't anyone care that her supposed grandmother is never around? Who is paying the electric bill?

Henry has found himself in something of a pickle. Since he's become besties with Gavin Doran, he is now in the middle of a federal investigation. When he goes to confront Gavin, he is told that he better watch his step. No, seriously, dude, you better watch out because Gavin will have a wild pack of wolves sent after you. So what does this idiot do instead? He breaks into Gavin's apartment -- very easily -- and copies some files from Gavin's computer that may be connected to the investigation. Nice, bro; you will be punished royally.

And is it just me or is Jane the most boring person in the world? What does she do all day besides chase childish ghosts and get into other people's business? She needs a life and a touch-up of her roots.

Annie, after showering and fixing her hair real nice, runs to save her editor, but it's too late. Dude's dead. So she runs to Gavin to beg for help. He tells her that he will make it all go away if she publishes a scathing story about something or other. Apparently this show knows nothing about the editorial process at a newspaper. Obit writers don't get to just write exposés about mob bosses and real-estate development. And who did you send it to when you said you "sent it to your editor"? Remember, he's dead?

It all goes to hell anyway. Gavin puts the hit out on Henry's boss at a mayoral party, and who takes the bullet but Annie! She rushes in to the party to warn Gavin of something right when the CIA agent she made up is about to kill Henry's boss (got all that?).

Another note to the writers of this show about journalists -- we don't have a badge that says "Press" that allows us into high-power government parties. Or, wait a minute; does everyone else but me have one of those?

Best moment ever -- the entire mayoral party gets news update beeps from their phones at the exact same time. I wonder if the alert signed off with an "XOXO Gossip Girl"?

In the end it all works out great, I think. It's sort of hard to tell what exactly is going on aside from the fact that something creepy is going to happen at any minute. I just know it!!

And then, as we are tucking ourselves nicely into bed, Jane's creepfest suitcase opens and a cloud of black smoke seeps out and it transforms into a human being and... holy crap! The smoke monster just turned into Prezbo from The Wire.

Obviously the producers of 666 Park love The Wire as this is the second actor they have used from the series, and now I love this show even more.


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