Pop Rocks: This Scientology "Wife Audition" Thing Sounds Pretty Awesome

Categories: Pop Rocks

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And we thought they would last forever...
The October issue of Vanity Fair contains an article about the mating habits of Scientologists (Tom Cruise, specifically) that's already got the "church" sounding battle stations:

Cruise's rep Bert Fields tells ET, "Vanity Fair's story is essentially a rehash of tired old lies previously run in the supermarket tabloids, quoting the same bogus 'sources.' It's long, boring and false."

The new VF issue claims that in 2004, before Cruise married Katie Holmes, Scientology members embarked on a top-secret project headed up by Shelly Miscavige, the wife of Scientology chief David Miscavige, to find a girlfriend for Tom Cruise that involved an elaborate auditioning process. The article goes on to detail very harsh treatment that Nazanin Boniadi, an Iranian-born, London-raised actress and Scientologist, allegedly experienced after she was selected to date Cruise from November 2004 until January 2005.

Leaving aside the -- admittedly -- harrowing treatment Boniadi was [allegedly] subjected to for resisting his awkward PDAs (she had to spend hours each day purging herself of "negative thoughts" about Cruise) and insulting Miscavige (kicked out of Cruise's house and forced to perform menial punishments when she revealed her relationship with Cruise to a fellow Scientologist), I think these people are on to something here. Looking at the number of single parents and the growing number of cases on Divorce Court, it's clear our Suppressive Person method of courtship is far inferior to those of the CoS.

"Dinner & a Movie" vs. Pre-clear Auditing
The forced small talk, the awkward conversations, the fumbling goodnight kiss. And all you really want to know is, "How many other people has he/she slept with?" Well, strap on that E-meter and you can learn about your potential mate's sexual partners going back billions of years. At least then you could avoid those uncomfortable silences.

Fun fact: John Travolta is a Scientologist.


One-Night Stands vs Nobu and Rockefeller Center
This one is kind of a toss-up, because while Nobu is delicious and getting a private skate at Rockefeller Center (it was closed to the public for Cruise's first date with Boniadi), having first-date sex you end up regretting immediately is hard to beat. Cruise and Boniadi allegedly spent their first night together as well (at Trump Tower), but didn't have sex. Maybe they enjoyed a Days of Thunder/All the Right Moves double feature.


Proposing at a Ballgame vs Church-Approved Marriage Contracts
Proposing is always a risky proposition, assuming you're not betrothed like Simba and Nala and the whole thing is just a fait accompli. That uncertainty is compounded a hundredfold if you elect to pop the question in public, as a negative response could have lasting trauma (see below). The Church has a way around that: marriage contracts. You get your set marriage period (minimum five years? Maximum one billion?), environmentally friendly single child and an ironclad pre-nup (the agreement between Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly filled five Bankers Boxes). Ah, romance.

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