Predictions for the Cast of Jersey Shore

Categories: Film and TV

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Ian Spanier Photography/MTV/AP
You are already missed.
Last week, the nation argued over the intent of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's speech at the Republican National Convention. Was he out for self, does he have his sights set on a seat in the White House and how are his arteries holding up lately? Different portions of the population, many living in Christie's home state, are more concerned with another New Jersey issue. The Jersey Shore is ending!

The grotesque boil on the ass of popular culture, MTV's "reality" show, will finally close its legs after its upcoming sixth season. Well, all good things must come to an end, right?

The cast of Jersey Shore have been partying, tanning, gymming it and washing their laundry for six years, destroying the image of Seaside Heights and the state of New Jersey for decades to come.

Not only did Jersey Shore ruin the world's image of the Gateway City, they also left their stink on other parts of the world. Season Four found the gang running amok in Florence, ruining my trip to Italy last summer. No joke; I just happened upon a shooting of the show while abroad in the Tuscan region. This was the exact moment I decided it was time to go home.

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Get out of my vacation!

But I digress. The cast of Jersey Shore is going to need to pack up their thongs and free weights and figure out what's next. Here are a few predictions of where we might find them intoxicatingly urinating in public next.

Deena Nicole Cortese

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Given that Cortese's most recent stint in the public eye was due to drunkenness and the inability to use a sidewalk, it is doubtful that this little lady will come out on top of anything other than a meatball hero (I was going for an innuendo here, not sure if it worked). The self-proclaimed "blast in a glass" may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she sure does have a lot of flair. That flair can be harnessed into the power of slinging drinks at Seaside Heights' TGI Fridays.

Jenni "JWoww" Farley

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She is a published author. She wrote a book, and then it was published. She wrote a book.
JWoww has a bit more going on for herself than Cortese. She's got a tanning lotion line, which could take her places...like the beach. But maybe you didn't know that she is also quite the scribe? Jwoww.com is a place where JWoww shares her scholarly knowledge on the complexities of relationships, the science behind our bodies and keeping them healthy and how she "LMFAOs" over pictures of lizards dressed up in clothing. JWoww is not just a reality star, she is a poet. She will do great things with the English language.

"Cheers to hoping you get your shit together at some point today (or this week). LOL!" -- JWoww

Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino

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The Situation is one of the more popular personalities on the show due to his loud ways and overly highlighted abs. Additionally, he's got a serious drinking problem, or, rather, he did. In the upcoming Season Six, fans of the "Sitch's" partying ways will watch him head to rehab. There are only two directions in which rehabilitated "celebrities" go. 1. They hop right back on the wagon and waste their lives. 2. They become outspoken born-agains, Scientologists, Kabbalah followers or hoarders. For "The Situation," I would assume it will be a combination of both.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

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So many reasons to smile.
Snooki will probably be the most successful of all of the Jersey Shore cast members, not because she is the most well-known, the most mocked or most moronic. It's because she had a baby, and everyone knows that when a B-list celebrity has a baby, it's cash-money time. She will obviously have a line of leopard printed, sexy onesies.

Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio

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Other than this image, Pauly D seems like a stand-up guy.
I dunno. I think DelVecchio may actually do a lot with his career. He's a fairly noted DJ, he just inked a three-album deal with 50 Cent's G-Unit label and he just seems like an okay guy.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Samantha "Sweetheart" Giancola

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Off again/on again couple Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, as of this post, are reportedly back on. Naturally, this won't last, but it may last just long enough for the couple to have their own reality show on TLC. As with most reality shows about couples, they will have to pretend to have a shared profession. I will wager Ortiz and Giancola will open a magic shop, a really crazy, Italian-American magic shop in which loud fights about card tricks take prominence.

Vinny GuadagninoGuadagnino has been trying to seriously act for some time now, having had guest roles as "himself" in the high-brow television series 90210, as well as the even higher-brow, made-for-the-Syfy-network movie Jersey Shore Shark Attack. What could not be next for this aspiring thespian?


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