Celebrity Voice Suggestions for Cartoon Network

adventuretime.jpeg
That blue slug thing is Matthew Broderick's new gig.
In case you needed another reason to be in love with Matthew Broderick, the actor and husband of Sarah Jessica Parker will add his voice to an upcoming episode of the Cartoon Network animated series Adventure Time. Broderick will voice a used-car salesman named The Dream Warrior, which is not a common name for used-car salesmen.

According to Cartoon Network, Broderick was interested in doing the show because his son James watches it. How cute is that?

For all of you who do not have ten-year-olds, Adventure Time is one of those bizarro Cartoon Network shows that make very little sense, but kids seem to be just bonkers over it. In this particular show, a boy, Finn the Human, and his dog, Jake the Dog, travel about in a postapocalyptic world called "Land of Ooo," which is apparently filled with magic. Huh, this show sort of sounds amazing.

For actors, voicing a cartoon character is a sweet gig. You don't have to memorize any lines, you can literally phone it in and you don't have to wear Spanx to work. For us little people, it's always fun to watch a cartoon and smack your head a few times trying to figure out where in the hell you know that voice from, and then, "Holy crap, was that just Al Pacino?"

Broderick as a used-car salesman on an arbitrary Cartoon Network show is fairly random, but it's just not weird enough for the network that made a show about an animal that is half cow and half chicken popular. If Cartoon Network is looking for some other celebrities to make weird cameos, might I offer a few suggestions?

5. Clint Eastwood as Old Man Plum on The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying OrangeRemember when we were younguns and the type of quality programming we had at our disposal? We had shows that attempted to teach us things like G.I. Joe's "The More You Know" segments and we learned how to replace the word "very" with "berry" from Strawberry Shortcake. Annoying Orange, which was developed from a Web series, doesn't teach kids shit. It is exactly what it sounds like: a show about an annoying orange. I think Orange and his gang of fruit need a wiry old plum to come in there and educate them on a thing or two about a thing or two, and there would be no better actor to voice that plum than "get off my lawn" Clint Eastwood.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow as the Secret Meat Eater on What's New, Scooby-Doo?Did you realize that they were airing new episodes of Scooby-Doo? The look of the 1970s cartoon has gotten a facelift, but its premise is still the same. The Scooby gang stumbles upon a mystery, the real villain is found out when he/she rips their face mask off and, surprise!

If Paltrow had the sense of humor that she likes to pretend to have, she would make a guest appearance as a ravenous carnivore who uses drugstore-quality face creams and shops at Walmart and vacations in (gasp) Florida, hidden behind the mask of the svelte blond perfectionist actress. I can see it now -- a warped cartoon version of Paltrow from the movie Shallow Hal is hiding behind the mask. She is shoveling fried chicken in her mouth while writing away on her helpful electronic newsletter "Poop." But wait, she actually doesn't write anything; the Scooby team finds out that she has interns do it for her. Her secret is out, and "she would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you kids!"

3. Courtney Love as Hole on Regular ShowLook, this show is about a bluejay and a raccoon, which seems normal enough, but then there are characters like Benson, the living gumball machine, and High Five Ghost, who is a ghost with an outstretched hand affixed to the top of his head. Riddle me why, then, they could not have a character on the show that is nothing but a large hole that unsuspecting animals and/or gumballs fall into at times, and it Tweets nonsense and is voiced by Courtney Love? See, you have no reason why this character shouldn't exist.

2. Howie Mandel as Maurice the Monster on Secret Mountain Fort AwesomeSomewhere between Bobby's World and America's Got Talent, Howie Mandel redeemed himself as an actor or whatever it is that he does. Let us never forget, though, that Mandel played Maurice the saucy monster in the Fred Savage vehicle Little Monsters.

What's perfect is that there is a show just as ridiculous as the aforementioned movie currently airing on Cartoon Network called Secret Mountain Fort Awesome, and it's all about gross monsters, with names such as Slog and The Fart. I propose that Mandel's cartoon monster be deathly afraid of germs (Mandel allegedly has mysophobia) and the monsters on the show stand around Fort Awesome sneezing and farting in his general direction.

1. Christopher Walken as himself on Dude, What Would Happen
Dude, What Would Happen is not an animated show, but it is a show on Cartoon Network where three tween boys perform tamed-down Jackass-style stunts and "non"-nerdy experiments such as creating PSAs about how to stop bullying.

Dude, what would happen if Christopher Walken came on the show and beat the crap out of all three of you? I have no idea, but I would watch.


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