Steampunk Dildos: How We Came to This (NSFW)
The world of steampunk is under this particular writer's purview because no one else on the Houston Press contributor list accepted Final Fantasy VI as their personal savior in their formative years. We've covered some pretty sweet crafts and art in our time here, but now we've gone straight through the looking glass into Alan Mooresville. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Lady Clankington's Cabinet of Carnal Curiosities.
Due to her voracious desire for endless...adventure, her husband (an industrialist of some note) expired from exhaustion long ago. In a fit of frustration, Lady Clankington employed the genius of one Dr. Visbaun to create a cadre of strapping automatons that would finally grant her the only company able to keep up with her unending desire...for adventure. As brilliant and well-built as these mechanisms were, even these poor fellows kept wearing out. Ever more frustrated and in need of satisfaction, Lady Clankington commissions Dr. Visbaun to create various enticements of a most diabolical nature. Each design has been well tested by the lady, herself.
Most Houston goths have either worked in a sex toy store or dated someone who has, and we're no exception. So we think we're qualified to judge these creations from afar...though we'd like to point out we were this close to getting an editor to buy us one in the name of respectable journalism. Seriously, kids, writing is the best career ever.
The handcrafted novelty grips show tremendous artistry, but the extremely basic nature of wands leaves a lot to be desired. The only real feature aside from their look is a basic multi-speed dial, and contrary to what you're thinking, the trigger does not regulate the speed. You have to reach into what would be the chamber in a regular gun to turn the control, which sounds awkward. No rotation, no rabbit, and it uses C batteries, which is always a pain in the ass.
If you have between $150 and $200 to spend on an item that will spark conversation rather than an actual dedicated sexual enhancement device, then by all means give m'lady your scratch. Better, if not more artistic, toys can be had locally for half that price.
Just how did dildos come so far? Click on over to page 2 for a great moments in dildo history.