The 4 Most Inappropriate Relationships in Children's Television

Categories: Film and TV

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David Buckingham
As mentioned before, we reproduced, and trust us when we say that we love our little girl with all of our hearts. However, we are getting to the end of our rope when it comes to all the children's television we're forced to watch in order to placate the littlest Hitler. Maybe it's just the fact that we're a horrible person, but we've begun to notice some very inappropriate relationships happening amongst the characters. Such as...


Tolee and Pandy

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Ni-Hao Kai-Lan's Tolee has some deep issues that will one day manifest into a massacre. Of that we have no doubt. The four-year-old koala bear is obsessed with pandas. Every article of clothing he has is emblazoned with pandas. His sleeping bag is panda-shaped...presumably so he can feel secure inside of a panda, and he has his constant stuffed lovey Pandy, whom he is never separated from lest he break down emotionally in a way that makes Linus Van Pelt look independent and stable.

Let's be clear, the scenario that we just laid out is basically the same mind-set that plagued Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. It's obvious that Tolle suffers from some kind of cartoon version of a severe gender identity crisis, though in the case it's a species identity crisis making it obnoxiously furry on top of everything. Giving Tolee an object to project all of this anxiety onto sounds like a very bad idea.

Anyone remember the Ventriloquist and Scarface from Batman? 'Cause that's Tolee and Pandy's future.


Team Umizoomi and the Door Mouse

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Team Umizoomi is kind of fun if you imagine it as The Justice League animated by the folks that gave you Abby's Flying Fairy School. Milli, Geo and Bot are dedicated to teach kids math skills, and judging by the people we meet in everyday life, that's a noble mission because the folks in line in front of us at McDonald's holding everyone up while they try to calculate how to save three cents on a weird meal combination show us that the education system ain't getting the job done.

The team often comes into contact with the Door Mouse, a security guard who makes them solve simplistic puzzles that to him are impossible. We'll let slide that the Door Mouse represents every meatheaded bouncer and doorman we've ever come into contact with over the course of our music career, and because of that we very much want him to die alone from some tainted cheese.

What bugs us about the relationship between him and Team Umizoomi is how they continuously try and teach his ignorant rodent self math, and every time they meet him again he's just as useless as before. It doesn't say much for the brand's educational ability.

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MadMac
MadMac

"His sleeping bag is panda-shaped...presumably so he can feel secure inside of a panda, and he has his constant stuffed lovey Pandy, whom he is never separated from lest he break down emotionally in a way that makes Linus Van Pelt look independent and stable.Let's be clear, the scenario that we just laid out is basically the same mind-set that plagued Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. "

Well, you can just rock me to sleep tonight. Thanks, Jef, I'll have to do something nice for you some day. Like termites.

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