Pop Rocks: Movies That Sound Like Porn But Aren't

The movie Wanderlust opens tomorrow. It's the story of a recently laid-off urban professional and his wife who end up on what appears to be a commune populated largely by attractive people and not the hirsute neurotics one expects. As you can guess by the definition above, it's unlikely the movie will have anything to do with actual lust. Well, not directly at any rate.

Since I'd rather not write for the umpteenth time about Jennifer Aniston, I thought I'd instead take the opportunity of her latest rom-com's release to come up with some other movies that sound dirty but actually aren't. Or if they are offensive, it's for reasons other than DV/DA.

Like, say, it stars Tom Cruise.

The Beaver (2011)
Actual Plotline: "A troubled husband and executive adopts a beaver hand-puppet as his sole means of communicating."

Porn Plotline: "Monstrous vagina terrorizes the Pacific Northwest, thwarting all military attempts to destroy it. It briefly teams up with the giant breasts from Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) on a destructive rampage before being defeated in giant genital combat by a decommissioned MX missile."

Shaft (1971)
Actual Plotline: "Cool black private eye John Shaft is hired by a crime lord to find and retrieve his kidnapped daughter."

Porn Plotline: "Disturbed young man is unable to climax unless he fornicates in abandoned mines. Finds love with busty spelunker."

Billion Dollar Boner (1960)
Actual Plotline: "Terrence Patrick Mulligan O'Houlihan will receive one billion dollars unless he abuses any birds." Fine, it's not a movie. But it has "boner" in the title!

Porn Plotline: "After a near fatal crash, astronaut Steve...Ballstin is fitted with a cybernetic penis, which the government puts to use by having him seduce enemy spies and hump them into unconsciousness."