Cinema Slap Fight: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter vs. FDR: American Badass

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Editor's Note: Please congratulate Jef With One F for breaking the record for number of colons used in a Houston Press headline.

Two presidents both alike in regard and respect, in fair Internet, where we store our trailers for upcoming films featuring chief executives that combat supernatural evil. From ancient... ah screw it, Will.

This week we've been happy to get not one but two trailers that reaffirm everything we love about film and America. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, adapted from the so-so novel with an awesome premise, is self-explanatory in regards to its plot. FDR: American Badass needs only a few clues to paint the scene, werewolves, Nazis and a mechanized wheelchair of death.

Both will surely make our current crop of candidates look boring in comparison, though we think that Obama has a certain cachet from hanging out with Spider-Man, something we haven't seen since the Bad Dudes rescued Ronald Reagan from Dragon Ninja. The question is who would win in a fight? Let's find out.

In This Corner: Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president. Lincoln was famous for both his intellect and his abilities as a wrestler. A tall man with good reach and tremendous physical strength, the latest portrayal also gives him samurai mastery of the wood axe and clearly superior horsemanship. He also managed to reunite a shattered country while apparently holding off the vampire threat.

Being played by Benjamin Walker is something of a mixed bag. You've got to be something special to be cast as Andrew Jackson in a rock musical, but otherwise his résumé isn't the stuff of Lincoln-like legend.


And in This Corner: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd president and our only 3-½ term one. Stricken with polio, he was confined to a wheelchair, something that didn't hamper his ability to see America through the Great Depression and World War II. Though obviously no physical match for Lincoln -- few are -- he more than makes up for his frailty with the Delano 2000, featuring high-powered weaponry barely imaginable in Lincoln's time. This will prove effective against both the Nazi werewolf threat, who are devastated by silver bullets, and Lincoln's own bullet-related weakness.

Barry Bostwick is the man behind FDR, and an automatic point is always awarded to any actor associated in any way with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also has Ray Wise as a sidekick, and when you have the guy that played Leland Palmer and the Devil as your number 2 man, then that is some serious management ability.


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