5 Bizarre, But Awesome, Christian Children's Products

Categories: Random Ephemera

When you grow up in a house devoid of religion you turn out...well, click the author's link and you'll see how you turn out. Some people think you are free of delusions and dogma, others consider you devoid of an important moral core. We couldn't tell you which is true, or both, or neither. In an America where 78 percent of the people identify as Christians, Jesus is just another dude to us.

That being said, devout Christian parents really know how to bring God into their kids' lives, and sometimes we think the greatest thing we missed out on was the God-endorsed loot. Don't try and pretend you don't want...

Armor of God Pajamas

Some parents give their children teddy bears to keep away the night terrors, some sing them to sleep, but these parents arm their little ones in crusader gear in order to sword-whip the nightmare imps back into their fiery little dimension. The idea comes from a passage in Ephesians, part of which reads, "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes," which is a pretty kickass, "This is SPARTA!" way of saying goodnight to your kids.

Sadly, these do not come in adult sizes, which means we can't have a little Christian Knight meets the sexy Pagan Witch roleplay.

Christian Pirate Ministry Soundtrack

Von R. Saum lost a leg and a hand in a motorcycle accident at the tender age of 17. It would've gotten most of us pretty depressed, but Saum has God, and God has plans. Wacky plans. Wacky pirate plans. He christened himself Capt. Hook, and proceeded to start a ministry involving pirate tunes to teach children lessons from the Bible, along with his puppet sidekick Sharkey.

We didn't make a single bit of that up, and you can listen to the whole thing right here. If you happened to catch any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies at Alamo Drafthouse, the good Capt. got play in the preshow reels, and was still a more convincing pirate than Keira Knightley.

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Looking at the Ship Ahoy album cover you can see it was probably made in the mid 1970s. For a guy who lost a leg and a hand, he was able to get an attractive wife. 


I actually played the Bible Adventures game.  Carrying sheep to the Ark still haunts me.

Jef With One F
Jef With One F

YES! Christ, I spent two days trying to find that. Never even occurred to use the term "tennis shoe." Thanks for proving I'm not insane.

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