Top 5 Ways to Clean Out Your Colon: Detoxing Debunked

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Time to clean this thing up!

By now you have either disregarded your New Year's resolutions with a long list of very convincing reasons (I actually enjoy being unemployed) or you haven't even started them yet. If cutting back on the excess was on your list of things to do in 2012, it's certainly not too late to start. When we say excess, of course, we aren't talking about all the donations you made in December to local charities. You may be trying to forget the obscene amounts of cookies, cakes and chocolate-covered anything you ate, or the copious amounts of eggnog, cheap Champagne and seasonal beer you consumed, but a liver never forgets. It's detox time!

Detoxing is the process of attempting to rid your body of harmful toxins through seemingly psychotic methods. Many folks swear by them, others think they are nothing but garbage. Regardless, they are on the up and up. According to The New York Times:

A survey by Mintel International, a Chicago-based research firm, found that 54 food and drink products were launched in 2008 with the word "detox" in their descriptions -- up from 15 in 2003.

People are just gaga over the idea that they can clean a year of crap out their bodies, in just a matter of days. It's like Lent, but quicker and with Yelp reviews. One person who loooooves detoxes is the Lady Gwyneth Paltrow, who now hocks her own favored system on her blog GOOP. She is just one of the many celebrities who stand (shakily from lack of food) behind the concept of self-starvation. Houston is also on the detox-tip. Local health food joint Snap Kitchen offers a juice-only one-day kick-start to their 21-day diet.

We are all for quick fixes, but consuming nothing but green liquids all day seems a little nuts to us, and the juice method is probably the most sane of all the detoxes we've found.

Pick your poison err... detox. Art Attack's Top Five Craziest Methods for Cleaning Your Colon.

5. Detox Body Wraps

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The Detox Body Wrap is exactly what you think. After applying several salves with natural-sounding names, you wrap your body in large bandages and voilà. Toxins be gone! Additionally, some detox wraps claim that you can lose up to six inches in an hour. If losing inches was as easy as wrapping yourself in a towel and lying around for a while, wouldn't we all be doing this?

4. The Lemon Detox Diet

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If it worked for Beyonce, it must be true.

The Lemon Detox Diet is a method by many names. The Master Cleanse, The Lemonade Diet, The Way Beyoncé Lost A Bunch of Weight For That Movie. This diet consists of fresh water, pure lemon juice, cayenne pepper, natural maple syrup and that's all, folks. You drink your lemon-maple concoction several times a day for ten days and you can flush your system of the detrimental build-up of toxins and, oh yeah, lose up to 21 pounds. We won't lie, we would totally try this drink, but we would mix it with vodka and call it a detox-cocktail.

3. The Foot Detox Bath

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Gross?

This process involves placing your feet in a warm "ionized bath." The ionization magic in the bath then draws toxins out of your tootsies and claims to "energize red blood cells and circulation, aid kidney and liver function and boost the immune system." Based on the photos alone, this looks disgusting, but cleansing? We cannot say for sure.

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10 comments
Babyboy
Babyboy

"Okay, so while it may potentially repair the aftermath of your week of eating nothing but cheese balls, it may also destroy your plumbing system? Pass"

So is it effective or not? Get ur facts straight b4 u post

PR-P
PR-P

"Runs, Zing!" Hysterical!

rgwalt
rgwalt

Colon hydrotherapy == enema

Knew someone who did the Master Cleanse (including the laxitive tea step) 2 or 3 times a year for up to a week at a time.  This person swore by the effectiveness, though a number of studies have de-bunked the health benefits claimed by this diet.

Hbeard85
Hbeard85

I always laugh when I see the Groupons or other daily deal sites post 'Colon Hydrotherapy' specials. Noooo thanks.

Corey
Corey

This qualifies as news?

Proof N. Tha Puddin'
Proof N. Tha Puddin'

Master Cleanser is totally worth it and easy to boot!  You just have to follow it to the letter - including pre- and post-diet.  You'll never be hungry, though you might have food cravings towards the 6th day of a 10 day fast.  Totally rids you of toxins, any excess fat, cellulite, etc.  Great to use when you want to change your eating habits.  I went off dairy for years after this cleanse and quit smoking.  The one thing not included in the booklet (available at Whole Foods or health food stores) is that you should brush your teeth (tooth paste not necessary), or at least swish with water, after drinking the concoction as lemon juice erodes dentin.  You feel great, look great and come out a truly changed person.  Remember to do it by the letter...

colon blow
colon blow

I wont say I haven't "thought" about trying it, but yes, I've read that it's not worth it.

MD
MD

No, entertainment.

You want news... go to Hairballs or The Chronicle.

Corey
Corey

My colon thanks you..

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