My 5 Most Awkward Brushes with the Sex Industry

Categories: Pop Culture

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Hi guys, Jef here. Let's drop the royal we for the duration of this and talk like regular folks with severe mental problems.

This was a big year for me at the Houston Press, and also the first year that I got to attend the blogger holiday party. Since I do most of my work at home, or occasionally from inside the walls of a state institution with crayons, I don't actually get to meet the people that I work with. A shindig in Montrose with free booze seemed like Heaven on Earth, and it's where I discovered a very comforting fact; All writers are crazed perverts, meaning it wasn't just me. it's was like being wrapped in a very warm, and somewhat crusty, blanket.

Case in point: Someone mentioned wanting to become a dominatrix and I had one's e-mail address queued up in my phone as well as a wealth of advice. It's that kind of group, and I loved every minute of it.

That being said, as the night wore on I realized that I had more than a few stories about brushes with the sex industry that went below and beyond that of my colleagues, and Lauren Marmaduke suggested they might make for an interesting article. So even though I've yet to work in the sex industry myself at this point, here's some tales from the fringes.

Medical Grade Pornography Is Freakin' Terrible

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To acquire the Kid With One F we had two options. We could take our chance on international adoption while spending years and thousands of dollars on something that may not pay off, or going through fertility treatments, which is the same thing but with less travel. We went with the latter.

Understandably, this process requires a lot of semen, and semen is like a vampire. It has to be invited. I figure I masturbated in a crowded office building roughly a hundred times over the three years we spent in this quest, and I'm amazed that I was able to pull it off because of what I had to work with.

There's your wanking room, and the wanking room has a TV and a DVD player with a disc of pornography. I don't know whose job it is to acquire the porn, but they certainly don't take much pride in their work because what I was repeatedly subjected to was videos of people who could not possibly have wanted to have sex with each other less. Seriously, these people went through the sex act with as much goodwill and cooperation as the Israelis and the Palestinians go through peace talks.

It was so bad that whoever produced these marvels of impotence felt the need to go back and dub in voices of people who were actually good at sex over the dead eyes and closed mouths of the actors. The result was like watching a very bad ventriloquist show. Do be warned, fellas. If you're going to have to give a semen sample for any reason, load something up on your iPhone because what they provide isn't going to cut it.


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11 comments
Michael Odwyer Gev
Michael Odwyer Gev

Jokes about the Tink will never get old!  WOOOOO!!!!!!!  GOOD ONE!

Far Too Far
Far Too Far

Yea gotta admit the "glitz" of the strip club has long since faded, but now and then some of the young guys will want to go. I always offer my same advice,  to each one of you give me a hundred, I'll kick you in the balls smack you upside the head and tomorrow. I'll  give you fifty bucks back and call it even.

KAC
KAC

That brothel was the Vellagio. I never dared go in, but plenty of those girls used to go to Knuckelheads after their "shift". Some were pretty.  

Catherine Matusow
Catherine Matusow

"Gathered around her were three middle-aged men, drinking Lone Star and silently looking at her vagina exactly the way the cast of King of the Hill looks at a car engine."

hahaha, brilliant

skot
skot

Great article, and it definitely seems more like a teaser.  I bet there is more that can be said about all of these that would be further good reading.

Jeff D
Jeff D

I hope you're collecting all these for a second book!

Tracy Batty Robertson
Tracy Batty Robertson

Oh man. The "tinkerbell" comment. Oh you finally got to print it. I am rolling with laughter!

Jef With One F
Jef With One F

That's the one! I couldn't remember the name, only that the O in it looked like a puckered starfish

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