Ten Merit Badges Girl Scouts Will Earn in the Apocalyptic Future
(Ed. Note: People may draw the wrong conclusion on that sentence, Jef. Author's Note: What? I wanted to know when they were going to be selling cookies. Why else would a grown man be on the Girl Scout.... Oh.)
Sigh. The Girl Scouts of America have updated their merit badge list for the 21st century. Girls will now be able to mark accomplishments on modern skills like digital filmmaking, robotics, and finance. This of course is in addition to the traditional survival skills they already practice. Frankly, Art Attack could not be happier about this, and here's why.
As we've pointed out repeatedly, the world is going to shortly end. Which particular brand of apocalypse we'll be subjected to we haven't really determined. We're keeping our fingers crossed for monkey uprising. The point is the average Girl Scout has probably five times the survival skills that we do.
Now that they're being trained in more advanced skills we can only assume that the small pack of humanity that survives Armageddon will be led by these superwomen of peak condition abilities who control the rabble with delicious baked goods as well as displays of heroism.
Admit it, now you kind of want the world to end. Once the dust settles the Girl Scouts will continue to train generations of young female warriors. Their merit badges will of course reflect the needs of the wasteland. We'll definitely see...
Silicon Valley tycoon Peter Thiel is planning on building a real life version of Rapture from Bioshock. Not because he's a game fan with a ridiculous amount of money, but because he really thinks that an oceanic society dedicated to Randian ideals is a good idea. We give his project approximately three years before unregulated science markets murder mutant plasmids and they escape to the mainland. Luckily, the Girl Scouts will be waiting, having already trained with genetic enhancements that gift them with telekinesis and the ability to shoot lightning.
Melee Zombie Combat
Many girl scouts already train in archery, and the benefits of mastery over silent ballistics makes them much more suited for stealth combat with the undead than your average gun-toting real 'Merican. However, sometimes it comes down to just you, a ghoul, and fantasies of being Red Sonja (Ask your parents, kids). The achievement will be determined by scavenging or manufacturing ability of the weapon as well as how well they destroy the brain of a zombie with it.