5 Essential Skills Our Children Won't Need
Watching the Kid With One F grow up is magical, and by that we mean that it is both miraculous and horrifying. It's miraculous because watching something that used to be able to scream and poop become able to say, "Daddy! Zombies say, 'BRAIINNNNNS!'" On the other hand, it's horrifying to realize that this is a person who will instinctively know a world that we will be baffled by.
The skills that we spent many years perfecting to a ninja edge have more or less become completely obsolete, and before we give up all thoughts of being relevant, we figured it would be nice to toot our horn one final time in regards to the abilities we have that our daughter never will. Such as...
Video game systems today are sleek machines that all look like they were designed by SkyMall, and their games either come in disc form or are downloaded directly into the system's memory. Only the 3DS still uses cartridge-based technology, but they're so much more advanced than what we had back in the NES days it's like saying a scooter and a Lamborghini are the same thing because they both have wheels.
When the NES was the standard household gaming system, you quickly learned three things that were necessary to keep your games working. Dust had a tendency to build up on the connectors so you had to clean them. The first step was blowing into the cartridge. You wanted a quick, powerful blast to shock loose the dust, not a prolonged expulsion.
If that didn't work, the next step was using a tissue soaked with rubbing alcohol on the connectors. Now, Nintendo sold a cartridge cleaner and warned that using anything else was sure to eat away your game like acid. We were terrified of using anything else until our dad pointed out that the ingredients on the back of the bottle were the same as in rubbing alcohol. This is when we learned that nothing makes a company more erect than finding a way to make you spend the change you just got back from your purchase on useless, overpriced crap.
Finally, if all else failed, you took the ultimate step. You inserted the game almost all the way into the NES and pushed down quickly. Leaving just the right, tiny amount exposed would catch the edge of the game on the shelf of the slot while simultaneously engaging the connectors, creating a shift in grimy build-up just enough to make contact. We spent many hours perfecting this technique, and now the only way we'll get to use it is if we drop some cash at Game Over to revisit the glory days of gaming.