Die Hard 5 Should Never Happen, and 5 Other Fifth Films

Categories: Film and TV


die-hard-5-bruce-willis.jpg
Gettin' old, my man.
What is it with Hollywood and its lack of a new concept? We're fine with a good sequel, and we can even handle a third installment if done correctly. In fact there have been quite a few excellent threequels made over the years -- Return of the Jedi, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Born Ultimatum -- and we'll even argue that Toy Story 3 might have been the best in the whole series.

Then there are those times that Hollywood can't take a hint. They make the third movie, it does well and instead of ending on a high note, they go on to the fourth, and we're not talking reboot here, either. But a fifth movie? Now you are the last person at a party where it's obvious the host wants you to leave, but you still have half a beer and are just about to get to the best part of your Florida vacation story that you are sure they will enjoy! Point being: It's time to stick a fork in it.

This year, multiple fifth installments have been given the green light, from Pirates of the Caribbean to Resident Evil. Last week we were deeply saddened to read that Die Hard 5, which couldn't seem to find its bearings, is now good to go, with Max Payne director John Moore on board. Why oh why is this happening? Did John McClane learn nothing from Die Hard 4?

We scrubbed our brains to find a good fifth installment of a movie and had a pretty tough time of it. So instead, here are our Top Five Most Unnecessary "Fifth" Films.

5. Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Note to filmmakers: When Steve Guttenberg, the star of the series, turns down reprising his role, maybe this is a sign from above. The "Academy," who if I'm not mistaken graduated back at the end of the first film, is taken to Miami for the National Police Chiefs Convention. We are assuming the only reason for this movie was to bring bikini-clad bodies into the slapstick mix, but Hollywood should have donated the money to the 100 Club instead.

4. Rocky V

Rocky V was anticipated to be a big hit both at the box office and with critics due to the return of director John G. Avildsen, who had brought the first movie to life and to the Academy Awards. Alas, the best-laid plans...The movie ends on a particularly low note with Rocky losing everything, his money and prominence in the boxing world. Fans were pissed off, so Stallone came back 16 years later with Rocky Balboa a.k.a Rocky VI.

3. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

It's difficult for a slasher movie franchise to come up with new and inventive ways to bring said slasher back to life after being stabbed, burned, frozen, sent to Mars and all the other ways we kill movie monsters. When you call a movie "The Final Chapter," as they did with Friday the 13th Part IV, to the common man, this means you are done. So when A New Beginning tried to rejuvenate the series, all it did was fall flat. (Spoiler alert) Jason isn't even the killer in the end!?

2. Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Even the apes look bored with this movie.

1. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

After the universal panning of The Phantom Menace, you might think Lucas would have put the series to bed. Attack of the Clones brought nothing new to the once holier than thou franchise, just bad acting, stale dialogue and a completely unbelievable romantic relationship between Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman. Star Wars fans were rightfully disappointed.


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1 comments
Ruth Nagarya
Ruth Nagarya

I thught Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman were hot, hot, hot in AOTC and ROTS, so I don't know why you would say they had no chemistry, they had PLENTY !  Methinks have NO romantic bones in your bod, that's why you feel the way you do!

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