Jessica Simpson Feels The Pain Of Bullying Victims

Categories: Pop Rocks

Sorry sweetheart, but even Tim Gunn would've made fun of those pants.
There's been a lot of talk about bullies lately. The suicides of Rutgers student Tyler Clementi and Hamilton Middle School's Asher Brown have prompted renewed calls for bullying prevention, leading to things like the It Gets Better Project, which tries to convince LGBT youth that high school is, at most, a temporary hell. Videos by Dan Savage and Tim Gunn have proven especially affecting.

Not to be outdone, People magazine has sought out bullying testimonials from other celebrities. Some, like Glee's Chris Colfer and Michelle Trachtenberg, have some pretty harrowing stories. Some...don't:

[Jessica] Simpson, too, was a victim of a different kind of taunting. "[People] would throw toilet paper at my house or throw eggs at my door," she once said.

Was this before or after your cover of "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'?"

Seriously I don't know what kind of third world hellhole Simpson grew up in (oh right, Richardson), but where I come from TP in the trees and a few eggs on the door made for a pretty standard weekend.

Anyway, all this talk of bullying has naturally cast my mind back to my own childhood. More specifically, the movie bullies of my youth. I wonder how Jessica Simpson would have fared against them...

Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka)
The Karate Kid (1984)
Offenses: Boombox larceny, aggravated circle kicks.

To be fair, Johnny's attacks on Daniel were mostly restricted to when the New York interloper was trying to steal his girlfriend or soak him with a hose at a party (dirty pool, Daniel-san). And it was this conflict that would eventually lead to the East Coast-West Coast rap battles of the 1990s.
What The Future Held: Nothing I could come up with would beat Patton Oswalt's theory (about how Johnny ended up as the Gimp in Pulp Fiction), which has now strangely disappeared from the interwebs. Trust me, it was hilarious.

Stan Gable (Ted McGinley)
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Offenses: Nerd oppression, flaunting NCAA regulations about player age, comparing girlfriend to goat.

Stan was the last of a dying breed. The mere physical bully would henceforth be no match for the electronically-enabled nerd legions of the future.
What The Future Held: Drafted in the first round by the Oakland Raiders in 1985, Gable was dragged into the bleachers and murdered by his own fans after throwing four interceptions in a loss to Denver.

Nellie Oleson (Alison Arngrim)
Little House on the Prairie
Offenses: First degree hypochondria, horse abuse.

Having watched only the manliest of TV programming as a child, I had to be educated by various female friends in the subject of Nellie's exploits. Sure, getting a beating here and there sucks, but I'd hate to have been fooled into doing nice things by someone faking paralysis. That's a whole new low in cruelty...congratulations, ladies.
What The Future Held: Divorced Percival Dalton, returned to Minnesota, lost way in snow, devoured by wolverines.

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