Christine O'Donnell Is Not a Witch. She's a Unicorn.

Categories: Pop Rocks

Your Campaign Might Be in the Toilet If ... The first words out of your mouth in a campaign ad are to deny allegations that you're a supernatural being.
Thank you, Christine O'Donnell. It was a long, hot summer, lost in the midst of a political dry spell. Even the Palins felt predictable and mundane. Then you came into my life, and you showed me just how much damning video footage one young Senate-hopeful can have. It's mind-blowing, really. The best part? No one knows what Bill Maher is still sitting on!

To be honest Christine, I'm not convinced you aren't a decoy put into play by the Palin 2012 campaign to distract the media (or make her look better by comparison). Yeah, it sounds paranoid. But can you blame me? I began to worry that your campaign was in trouble when Rosie O'Donnell was caught on camera saying, "Finally. When I turn on the TV and hear people talking about 'that crazy O'Donnell woman,' they're not talking about me!"

But it wasn't until I saw your latest campaign ad that I knew your days were numbered. It begins with the words "I am not a witch." Isn't that the same as leading with "I am not a vampire" or "I am not a unicorn?" When the first words out of your mouth are, "I am not a witch," aren't you sending the message that your top priority is to spread the word that you are not, in fact, a supernatural being? And to top it all off, you follow that opening bombshell with an equally weird, cryptic phrase: "I'm you."

What's that now? You're me? No. That you are not.

Oh Christine, between dates on bloody altars, dabbling in Buddhism, then Catholicism, not-masturbating, and lobbying against the evolution "myth" and those mice with the fully functioning human brains--who can blame you for being confused? However, you can't be me if you don't have any idea of who you are. You didn't have a clue what you stood for at age 16, 27 or 30, so why should now be any different?

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