Pop Rocks: Levi Johnston - The Future's So Bright...
Been a busy month for Levi Johnston. The 20-year old former hockey player and impregnator of Sarah Palin's eldest daughter not only saw his engagement to Bristol disintegrate over reports he wasn't so discriminating with his seed ("Levi is one of three possible fathers who were with Lanesia during the probable week of conception"), he also hit the Teen Choice Awards with singer Demi Lova..., Selena G..., no wait, Brittani Senser, and announced he was running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, the office formerly held by his almost mother-in-law. An event that will be chronicled in a new reality series:
Let no man put asunder
"The docu-soap will follow the ever controversial, headline making, matinee idol, handsome father of one as he embarks on a run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska... [the] series will chronicle a 'no-holds-barred' period in Levi's tumultuous life; co-raising his son Tripp, looking for love, and taking care of business for his fellow Wasillians. He will give us a real inside look into who he is as a father, a skilled hunter, an avid dirt biker, and of course his journey down the road of small town politics -- right after he gets his high school diploma."
"Levi thinks he can take the office by representing the real citizens of Wasilla," continues the statement. "If elected, Levi promises to serve his full term."
Zing! And that's just the tip of the skilled hunting, avid dirt biking iceberg.
Clearly the sky's the limit for the guy. I mean, just look at that the name: "Levi Johnston." I'll bet a kid with a name like that was never shunned by his so-called classmates for bringing a copy of the Dungeon Masters Guide to school in 8th grade.
Not that I would know anything about that.
So what might the future hold for a guy who not only makes the brave choice of attending the Teen Choice Awards who a) is no longer a teen, and b) wasn't exactly the model of adolescent restraint when he was? The mind boggles.
Revenge of the Nerds Remake
Frankly, I'm a little surprised Hollywood hasn't gotten around to fucking this up yet. I mean, it came out in 1984, meaning their target demographic was eight years from being born and therefore ideally suited to eat this up with a spoon. As for Johnston, I can't think of anyone better suited for the 2010 version of Stan Gable.
New Host of Late Night
Could he do a worse job than Jimmy Fallon? Probably, especially since the Roots would surely bail on him, leaving Levi with the choice of 36 Crazyfists or a collection of Inuit throat singers as his house band.
Pose for Playgirl
Oh, never mind.
Man vs. Ice Cream Truck
Yeah, I have to admit I really have no idea what the hell is going on here, but for some reason it's very easy for me to picture Levi Johnston as the guy pulverized by the Good Humor Man.
Mr. Jennifer Aniston
We really should have seen this coming. Johnston's D-grade star is on the rise even as Aniston's continues to slide following a string of crappy movies. Johnston will never reach Friends levels of fame (if he does, we can go ahead and write off Western civilization), but Aniston has now officially been divorced from Brad Pitt for longer than the marriage actually lasted. Rarely have two individuals so desperate to remain in the public eye been so perfect for each other.